Feel free to add your own!

The 4:45 pm family

Despite it saying in all the advertising for the event that it will run from 11am until 5pm, a family of at least four will try to gain admittance at 4:45pm precisely.

The Patriotic Prat

Usually weighs in at 18 stone and will sing his Land of my Fathers, Flower of Scotland or The Star Spangled Banner whenever his country is mentioned. Is usually seen being escorted from the event by the security staff.

The Idiot Member of the Public

At least once a day someone will ask "Is that fire real?"

Just In Case Kit

Despite it being a 15th century event, you have packed four Norman kite shields, a 19th century sabre and Roman Armour. Why? "Just in case".

The We Wanna Join Tease

A couple, usually a mother and her weird-looking son will approach and ask if they can join. After taking their details, this will be the last you ever see of them again.

The Amateur Historian

Very amateur in fact. Is only really there to see if he can hold a sword. Tends to froth at the mouth at the mere mention of the word "Templars".

The Clan Group

A group that has watched Braveheart more often than is healthy. No matter what the period, they will turn out dressed in tartan car blankets. The larger the group gets, the amount of Scottish history that they actually know diminishes.

Tripping over Guy Ropes

We've all done it. Repeatedly in my case.

The Odd Parent

Tries to offload her offspring onto you, viewing you as an alternative to the scouts. Takes some convincing that 6 year olds can't be allowed to use swords.

The Whinger

Has driven only a tenth of the distance to get there. But this will be his sole topic of conversation for the entire weekend. If married will have a caravan, as well as the wife who has a screaming fit at you if you exhale too loudly after 9pm plus the kids who nobody, not even the most saintly and patient member of your group can stand for more than 5 minutes.

The Dodgy Burger Van

Despite it causing you food poisoning last season, you will visit it at least twice during the coming season.

The Lost Trader

Members of your group rave about a trader who is doing first class kit at bargain prices. When you go to find said trader, they've disappeared. You then spend the rest of the season being told how you should have bought something from him.

The Even More Idiotic Member Of The Public

Comes in two forms. The first is wont to come up to you and say things like "Prithee good sirrah! Tis the morning aye nonny!" The second one will try to argue with you over historical details, despite it being obvious that they know nothing.

The Lost Member

You were all told to be here for formup at 1pm precisely. He was here a minute ago, but has now vanished.

The Lost Drunk

Despite there being only ten yards between the pub and the campsite, they managed to get lost on their way back from the pub. Tradition dictates that they will then spend the night sleeping in a field.

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Tripping over Guy Ropes

We've all done it. Repeatedly in my case.

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You mean my horse is more sure and fleet footed than you?

We watched her "Lord of the Dance" her way through a spiderweb of guy lines at around midnight as she and her companion Cheveaux-chezed (spelling) their way through the camp. Fortunatly no tents, people, or horses were injured during the two jail breaks. (coyotes at events are bad.)

Ask JeffJ and Brent. She passed between their tents. Nothing like hearing a 1560 lb animal thump their way past your tent in the night.

I can laugh about it now, but I was NOT amused that night and I am sure no one else was either. We chalk it up as a learning experience.

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You mean my horse is more sure and fleet footed than you?

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Originally posted by Jenn Reed:
Ask JeffJ and Brent. She passed between their tents. Nothing like hearing a 1560 lb animal thump their way past your tent in the night.

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Originally posted by Jenn Reed:
Ask JeffJ and Brent. She passed between their tents. Nothing like hearing a 1560 lb animal thump their way past your tent in the night.

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Scared the heck out of me. And I've stood in front of a mass of running cattle. It's one thing to be able to see them charging at you when fully concious, but to wake to "ka-thump... KA-thump KA-THUMP, KA-THUMP, KA-THUMP!!!" and not know if it's coming to knock down the tent and trample you!

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[ 05-03-2005: Message edited by: Jeff Johnson ]

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The Even More Idiotic Member Of The Public- The Amateur Historian

Addicted to the History channel, this fellow knows minute details about every period in history. Or thinks he does. His favorite pastime is explaining to MOP watching your demonstration how your fingerbriading technique is not up to par, the colour of your thread isn't historically accurate, the herbs you are using were not known in the period, etc. ad nauseum. Usually he's wrong, but that doesn't stop him from lecturing at top volume to whomever is close by. Usually singled out by the archers in camp to be a human target by no later than 11AM.

The In-Joker

Will resolutely refuse to ever speak to any new members and tells in jokes that were only funny if you were in the group 5 years ago. Sightings become more and more rare as years go by.

Not The Sarge

The person who thinks they are in charge, yet in reality no-one would leave them in charge of the Portaloos. Still, gives us all something to do during a circle of treachery....

The Not Sure

So named because you're not sure if he/she's (mostly he's though) is a member of your group. He turns up for the fighting, but after that disappears. Is occassionally glimpsed in a plastic tent on his own where he scurries away frantically at the approach of any group members. Neither your group leader or membership secretary can name him.

The Person Who Thinks Their Rank Is Real

Also known as either The First Person To Get Killed At Each Event, or as is more likely, Billy No-Mates

The HangAbout

The Army Veteran

Once upon a time, UK re-enactment was made up by a lot of students and soldiers who seemed to gel together extremely well. There is always going to be an exception, and this is him: Despite having spent his time in the army as a clerk in the vetinary corps, he is quick to boast about his many 'exploits', he is also impossible to teach even the rudiments of spear drill to as he will tell you that he "Learned it all in the army"

Which leads onto...

The Five-Minute Veteran

Two hours ago he was just another newbie. Now, after a brief skirmish, he thinks he knows it all and will try to tell the rest of group, most of whom have at least 2 years experience, how to fight.

The Woodpiler

The woodpile is behind his tent. He guards this, even though no-one has asked him to. Is of the belief that the rest of the campsite can make do on half a log between the lot of them.

The Political

Joined a re-enactment unit because no political party will ever be desperate enough to allow them to join. So instead they try to gain control via politics. Usually the last to realise how despised they are.

The Over-Extended Group

The sad part is that I can put a face on just about every one of these characters!!!

The Never Change

Usually in his/her fifties. So named because they refuse to buy any new kit, preferring to wear what they bought/made/found in a rubbish dump in the 1970's. Whilst the rest of the group look amazingly authentic, they are a vision of ghastliness in nylon armed with a fencing foil.

The Food Addict

Is always found where the food has been served in the LH camp. Will linger there all day for his next meal, and do nothing else. Spends all time away from camp looking for a trader who sells some to die for food item that one can only get at special events and argues he doens't care if kettle corn isn't period, it's damn good

Green Vegetable Gloop

Someone's girlfriend/wife is recruited with the promise that they are the Jamie Oliver of Medieval Cooking. Instead, your group ends up being served a cold (remarkable as it's been over the fire for three hours) green gloop that is about as appetising as a trip to the dentists.

The Force Field

Name refers to someone who refuses to take their hits. Is usually found in a group of one.

Vertigo Portaloos

Turns up whenever you do a fight display. Will tell you that it's "not a real sword" or "not a real gun". All you can do is grit your teeth and wish they'd sod off.

The Princess of Witches

Look, we all know that a lot of neo-paganism ISN'T a great tradition that's been handed down in secret for centuries. Unfortunately the person in question is a teenager. usually found sulking in the LH camp because they've been told to take off their makeup and remove their piercings

This one is related to...

The Wizard

Turns up dressed like something from a bad war movie. He will grab at any swords lying around and he will then go on about his favourite gun. All this will be done whilst they talk too fast and too loud for anyone else to say a word.

The Expert

Will lecture members of the public on what you're doing. Will not allow you to say anything. If you disagree with him, he will storm off angrily.

The Health Freak

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Originally posted by Charlotte:
How about "I read this book once..."?

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You mean....

The Instant Expert

Has read one book that was of very doubtful veracity, but despite this, consides themselves to be an expert. Will not be persuaded otherwise.

The 5am Toilet Run

In which two important questions must be asked: (a) Should I put my boots on and (b) What was that loud crashing noise in the bushes earlier?

The Person From The 'Other' Society

You know, the one from that group that no-one likes. At events where you and they are there, they will talk to you like you're a complete and utter amateur, all the while they are dressed in football socks and a 1970's frilly white shirt, complete with kilt and painted face "because it's a Scottish event".

The Hijacker

Buys at least two new outfits per season. Is possibly the finest dressed thing you've seen this side of a Breughel painting. Should they ever leave re-enactment, several traders will go bankrupt.

The Rubbish Tip

So named because of what they do to kit that's left in their possesion for more than 5 minutes. Their shirt will always hang out at the back, their doubtlet done up wrong, their armour rusting away and their sword have so many nicks in it that it could pass as a saw.

The Idiot Parent

This is the one that tries to get their offspring to hit the man in the plate armour to see how hard it is. When said offspring is howling from having hurt their hand, the parent can be heard to say "See, I told you it was hard!"

The Lost LARPer

You know, the bloke who thinks he can take on a Viking shield wall armed only with a knife...

Traders Row Amnesia

So called because of the effect it has on you. Instead of actually buying what you need, you instead end up buying lots of pretty shiny things....

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The Idiot Parent

This is the one that tries to get their offspring to hit the man in the plate armour to see how hard it is. When said offspring is howling from having hurt their hand, the parent can be heard to say "See, I told you it was hard!"

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Rumor has it that the pinnacle of "Is that fire real?" question occured to a blacksmith in Colonial Williamsburg.

A young child asked "Is that fire real?" and before the smith could respond "Idiot Parent Version 2.0"(tm) replies "Of course NOT; that would be much too dangerous". And launches into a detailed explaination about how the glowing metal is really a soft plastic with a red light bulb in the end. So the blacksmith overhearing this high-tech/disneyification explaination takes the glowing metal and presses it against some scrap wood in plain view of "Idiot Parent v2.0". This, of course, makes the wood smoke and catch fire. Upon seeing this the now astonished "Idiot Parent v2.0" utters "How did you do that!!

Really make you wonder sometimes

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Sadly I cease to be surprised at people's stupidity, I cynically take it for granted.

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I was always tempted to the point of torment to tell the "is that fire real" variety of idiots "No, it is a hologram, and you can pass your hand through it safely", but I always managed to check myself.

I had a friend at an 18th century event, with a formal dinner have a member of the public snatch food off of his plate and taste it - it was some sort of fish dish that had chocolate on it, and she immediateely made a face, and spat it out - partially over him. This was an adult, not a child.

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Of course, what they mean is, "Do all you actors live together in this village in real life?"

As I've explained to our volunteers, you MUST reply with a clearly medieval answer. If you just say "Yea, we do," people assume you are referencing some unspoken modern commune.

So I usually will go on about how many freemen and cottars and the like live under Sir Geffrey's protection, and how the village is in the Shire of Somerset with the closest town being Yoevil where they keep the tanneries, etc. The length of commentary will vary in how quick on the uptake the listener is.

Last week I got a fellow that Just Couldn't Get It. No matter how clearly I was discussing things In Character, as a medieval person, discussing how my father is in a guild and works on the tradesman's street that 'goeth straight down from the doors of the Great Cathedral in Wells'....

This fellow was CERTAIN that everything I was saying was some coded euphamism for a modern existence.

"So, you mean you actually all live upstairs in the shops, or just when people come to the faire?"

This was the only time I just sat there for a few seconds with a slack jaw and a blink. He waved and left in that time with a cheery "Thank you!"

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The crazy woman shut up immediately.

"Is that baby real?" The answer to this question, given by a friend of mine at another US CW event, is "No, he's a reproduction. I made him myself!"

Neb

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